Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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