someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
