i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
