so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
