I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
