So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
