You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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