Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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