That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
