Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
