My sheets look like a crime scene.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
