So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
