I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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