Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
