i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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