I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
