Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
