3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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