Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Randomize
