Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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