Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
