So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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