He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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