i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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