You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
