Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
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