We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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