I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
