They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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