Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
