allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Randomize