Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
