I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
