wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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