You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize