You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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