I wish life had little blips of pornography
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
