i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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