I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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