sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
