dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
