god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
