if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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