Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
