you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
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