we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I am spending my child support on dildos
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Randomize
