Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
