he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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