I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
