oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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