I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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