Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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