the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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