my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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