Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
