I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I touched a dick in church today
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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