I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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