apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
