Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Fuck appropriateness.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
where are my eyebrows?
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